I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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