One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
