I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So many bounce houses so little time
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
