Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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