I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
