I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
