I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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