96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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