What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
