I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
