sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
