final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
