Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
