matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
