You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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