i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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