I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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