i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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