I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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