i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
