hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
