Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
