I'm passing your future prison.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
