he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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