I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
