I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
