seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
