ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
