am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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