you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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