so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
