Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
