You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
