I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
