i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
