at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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