Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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