the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
