I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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