I'm laying in your front yard are you home
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
