He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
