any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
