atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
