you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
