I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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