Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
