I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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