if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
