Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
3 2 1 whiskey
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
