I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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